11.22.2002 Love, your happiness don't begin wit a man
Strong woman, why should you depend on a man
I understand you want a man that's resourceful
If he pay your bills, he feel like he bought you
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Some man didn't love her, cuz he didn't love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
One man fucked up, men you shouldn't turn from
You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born
You worth more than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go, so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone it's hard
Find heaven in yourself and God
some people really know how to make you feel like shit.
to all of you who made me feel like shit today - i hope you get diarrhea. the really nasty kind.
wow, i feel like jeyi. i think its just that i'm really hard on myself. and i think people know that about me, especially at work. but i can't you tell how many people at work today were the biggest assholes. everyone just calm down---i'm the one that has to run around at work...which is fine. i don't mind....but dammit, let me try to do my job before you utter anything. ANYTHING. put your two cents in when you really must. but if you don't know what the hell is going on, figure it out -- before you go on making assumptions that i f*cked up. cuz ya know what-- i didn't.
yes, chatrooms. yesterday, we had a chatroom going from bout 10am til 6pm (actually that's when I left...so I wonder what time everyone actually left..). great, time wasting games of fmk and meaningless blabber to therapeutic and needed ddt(deep dark talk). how can you not love chatrooms? cuz I do know some people won't don't like them. i guess they are kind of schizophrenic at times and tedious to follow when everyone is trying to get in their thoughts before the next topic comes up. a lot of people digress. and get cut off before they can finish their thought(s). but that's what a blogger is for!! if you don't have one...get one now!
during the chat, someone told me i was an enigma...in the context of guys. i really must say, someone needs to get me a copy of dating for dummies. i don't know how to do it. i think i'm still stuck in the umich mode of spending time in groups, rather than with individuals. i tend to have more fun in groups...i like group activities...whether it be dancing, bowling, hiking, picnic-ing, whatever. you can be more relaxed...and i can be me. but i realized that that type of socializing has really hindered me in one on one situations. especially with guys. i feel like i'm under a microscope more, and the silences seem more awkward when there's only two of us. so i get nervous, even knowing that i'm just trying to get to know the guy. but i guess that possibility is always lingering in my head, and that hinders me from completely being myself. maybe i just need to practice, haha.
so...conclusion? i have a problem with intimacy. yups...i do. how come it took me 23 years to realize this? not too sure. i always knew that i am often too polite with friends, and that often i'm "too nice." or that i just always wanna make sure everyone is happy. but it dawned on me that i actually have a problem with intimacy. and that's not only on a personal level...that also extends to the physical sphere. friends have also noticed i'm not touchy. i don't really like being touched. say when girls link arms/hook arms...it's cute. and i don't mind at all when a friend does that with me...it's actually very endearing. i guess if it's a persistent thing though, i do get annoyed.
i mean don't get me wrong...i think i'll be fine with a guy in terms of that...but yea, maybe that's why guys never know if i'm interested. because i'm not flirty. even if i think i'm flirting, i'm most likely not. it's all in my head.
maybe i should just get blasted and go all out. err...maybe not.
i think if a "spectrum" was made for girls...one end being prudes...and the other being chickenheads (is that the term????), i would go..nowhere. actually while we're on the subject...what exactly is a chickenhead again? is that synonymous with cocktease?
yea, i have lots to learn. viv said something to me the other day that jolted me...along the lines of not wanting to be 30 years old and wishing i had stepped out of my comfort zone more when i was in my young 20's. taken some chances...how you gonna find love if you don't take any risks with your heart? my boss is currently dating online...using online dating services. pulls up a pic and description and calls her up. he's in his upper thirties i think. and although i really can't relate to ever doing that, i understand why he does. and just hope that i don't have to be doing that when i get to that point.
this is new york. i'm supposed to be meeting people. getting my heart broken, and breaking others. (ok, that was a lil melodramatic). but you get the point...wish me luck!
11.11.2002 Let's go back to the beginning of Veterans Day. It used to be Armistice Day, because at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 1918, the first World War came to an end.
We must not forget that conflict. It revealed the essence of war, of all wars, because however "just" or "humanitarian" may be the claims, at the irreducible core of all war is the slaughter of the innocent, organized by national leaders, accompanied by lies...
Our decent impulse, to recognize the ordeal of our veterans, has been used to obscure the fact that they died, they were crippled, for no good cause other than the power and profit of a few. Veterans Day, instead of an occasion for denouncing war, has become an occasion for bringing out the flags, uniforms, the martial music, the patriotic speeches reeking with hypocrisy. Those who name holidays, playing on our genuine feeling for veterans, have turned a day that celebrated the end of a horror, into a day to honor militarism.
As a combat veteran myself, of a "good war," against fascism. I do not want the recognition of my service to be used as a glorification of war. At the end of that war, in which fifty million died, the people of the world should have shouted, "Enough!" We should have decided that from that moment on, we would renounce war--and there would be no Korean War, Vietnam War, Panama War, Grenada War, Gulf War, Balkan War.
The reason for such a decision is that war in our time--whatever "humanitarian" motives are claimed by our political leaders--is always a war against children: the child amputees created by our bombing of Yugoslavia, the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children dead as a result of our post-war sanctions. Veterans Day should be an occasion for a national vow: no more war victims on the other side; no more war veterans on our side.
-Howard Zinn On War-
amen.
this is taken from a book my friend recommended to me a couple months ago after journeying up to central park for an anti-war rally. i was an excited, yet nervous newbie...being my first time at anything so "political." but it wasn't as political as i expected, which was great...because i'm a person of conviction rather than political knowledge. for i grew up with music, dance, art, love...LIFE...surrounding me. but so many do not...living in daily fear and abuse. but i do wish i was a more scholarly humanitarian...and this book is a good start. zinn is pertinent and basic...unlike way too many authors that are too verbose and wordy (for lack of a better word) for me.
somehow people always end up calling me "les"...on AIM, in emails, watever...hi les...hey les...sup les.... even if they've only known me a day or two. even co-workers that i have only communicated with through phone or IM, but never met. it's just so endearing =OP
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